March 19, 2012 by toheaveninahooptie
Life is a group of friends. I feel like for the first time being a high schooler, I’m actually living a high school life (and it is ballin’). Freshmen year I obviously didn’t have a soul or personality because I was a freshmen. I know that sounds like a very Senior thing to say, but it is an undoubtedly true statement. Why don’t freshmen have souls? Because they aren’t people, they’re a replication of whomever they admire that day. I was just the same, going through life imitating a different person each week and never truly being Hannah. Freshmen year was marked by an overwhelming Religious phase. Not a bad phase to have, but not exactly what you think of when you remember your high school years. No one goes to a high school reunion and says “REMEMBER THAT RETREAT WE WENT ON?”. Don’t get me wrong, being Catholic is awesome, but my high school career needed other things to balance the religious aspect. Sophomore year that balance was not met in the slightest way. Catholicism flew out the window and I became a selfish brat Sophomore year. Everything had to suit me perfectly, and if it didn’t I quickly fell into a slump of gloomy and grouchy attitude. I guess you could say I tried filling my holes (you know, those holes that every human being has, some call it the “God shaped hole”, I just call it a hole) with all the wrong things. Instant gratification got me nowhere in my quest to fill said holes, so Sophomore year wasn’t fun either. It was all about Hannah, and it was terrible.
So, that brings us here: my Junior year in high school. Some say Junior year is the best because you don’t have to worry about College planning (wrong), and some say it’s the worst because you’re almost as free as a Senior, but the freedom is just outside your grasp (also wrong). I’m loving Junior year because I’ve finally weeded out my other options of ways of living until I found the one I’m supposed to live, if that makes any sense. Freshmen year: unbalanced- way too religious and not self-focused enough to form my own opinions. Sophomore year: unbalanced- way too nonreligious and so self-centered that I had an opinion on everything, and that was the only opinion I accepted. Junior year: Balanced, steady relationship with Christ, open and improving relationship with my family (especially parents), and a healthy and fun relationship with my friends, many of whom are new in the past couple of weeks. I’ve tried other ways of thinking and living, and now I feel that I’ve narrowed it down to how I was naturally meant to think and live. I could easily make a post about every aspect of my life and it’s evolution through the past two years, but that would take forever and probably wouldn’t be interesting. So we can just start here and say that junior year is great. It is in no way perfect, and there are certain characteristics of my previous years that can creep up on me occasionally, but for the most part Junior year has been the life I’ve always wanted to live and just needed to find out the method of how to do so. I’ve carried the traits that are inherently Hannah, such as my ability to over analyze everything and file it into a neat little organization in my mind, and I’ve gotten rid of the traits I developed from somewhere else that I was not meant to poses. It’s liberating to finally feel like I’m myself and don’t have any extra baggage weighing me down of someone that I was trying to be.
Now that I’ve gotten the analytical part of my mind satiated, I can move on to the structural part of my mind by giving examples of junior year being a boss. The religious/family/self relationship improvements happened on their own, probably just as a result of maturity, but the fun side of things started around the French exchange, I think. Like I said previously, the French exchange made me burst my own bubble and step outside of 1. my comfort zone of not meeting people 2. my set-in-stone routine that I was so attached to. After being torn away from my usual habits, LIFE STARTED. Because I had Antoine and needed to organize ways for him to be entertained and with his friends as often as possible, I ended up meeting or getting closer to many Americans. I’m now in this new friend group that I really like and am able to have fun with. Some of the people from this group I knew before and have just gotten closer to, and some I’m meeting for the first time and would like to get closer to. Hell, some I’ve only heard about but will probably meet in the near future. Either way, these seem to be my type of people. Some are extroverted and the funniest people to be with, but there are some in particular that are more quiet and reserved that peak my interest. These people just make me so curious because they seem so much like myself. I know that when I’m not being loud and boisterous at a social function it’s because I’m probably observing the people there and mentally categorizing the dynamics of the group as a whole, so when I see other people acting similarly it makes me wonder what they’re thinking about in the same situation. I feel like the biggest introvert for saying that about me “categorizing the dynamics of the group”, but what other way can I say it? I’m just a watcher and a thinker. Shit, I’ve gone and gotten analytical again. Lets try this example giving thing in picture form now: